my first child has specific language impairment.
As she was my first child, I didn’t have experience. I didn’t know what to expect and I kept on
asking why ! why !! why !!!
Although I wasn’t a linguistic person but I have been able
to communicate in a special way. I talk
to people in a way others couldn’t connect.
I thought I was special. But why
does my very own daughter had to go through the exact opposite? Is it because I am special so she has to pay
for my gift ? Was it me who abuse my
power given by god that now god took away something from her? I ask and ask and ask … there wasn’t any
answer.
.
.
.
I couldn’t get up for a long long time. Every time I looked at her, my tears
drop. Sometimes out from the eye lids,
some other times tears just swallow back on.
.
.
.
One day, I don’t know why nor how, I asked myself a
question. If she were to be like this,
having this disability forever in her life, will I love her any less?
Suddenly I see the white in my grey world. The answer is so obvious, so clear, so
doubtless that I will love her the same if not MORE because with her disability
she will need more of my love. And I
will have nothing else buy to give more and more. Even if I have already given all of me today,
I could still give her more the next day.
.
.
Suddenly the world has changed, well at least my world has
changed. Every time I looked at her, I
smile. I know deep down inside, no
matter what happen, I will love her the same.
.
.
I started hugging her to sleep every night. I talked to her as if she is my friend. I told her about my happen moments, I told
her about my sadness. I pointed at the pattern
of the wall paper and said, “see? This is rose, this is a symbol of love. See how our room is full of love?”
Sometimes I hug her so long that I fell asleep
standing. Then she woke me up, wanting
more stories. I am the worst when I sing
but I sang twinkle twinkle little star to her every night, every single
night. She never complains. My wife ran to another room watching drama,
haha ~ I would too.
She demanded more and more till sometimes I broke down
too. I couldn’t be the nice dad anymore
and sometimes I have to admit I may have scolded and shouted at her. She was totally frighten and she got
worse. Every single time I have to gain
back control on my own, felt regretted, totally disappointed with myself … apologized
to her, and hug her in tears again.
Very soon, I learned there is really no point for broken
down. If my love to her is really as
strong as what I thought it is. I would
have been able to minimize all the hardship we have to go through together. And focus merely on what else can we do
better next?
.
14 years later, now, she is a teenager. She became the love expert among her friends
despite she never date (officially). She
touches people life like how I did in the past.
She is no longer close to me as she used to before she went schooling. But I have no regret, she is no longer like
what I worried she might become.
Perhaps I was lucky.
Perhaps it was me who keeps talking to her although she couldn’t really
understand a word I said when she was a baby, perhaps it was my anger shouting to
her, perhaps it was me slept standing that night … that has changed her. I will never know, and I don’t need to
understand life. Because even if she is
not like what she is now, I will still love her the same. So nothing else will matter – between my love
and my daughter.
.
At first I thought I have saved her. But very soon I realize, it was her who has
SAVED me. For I LOVE her, unconditional
love, that nothing else will come between us.
It is her allowance me to love her back that has kept me alive till to
date.
Dear daughter, I love you and wish you the best in your
subsequent journey ~
.
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.
.
.
.
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One day I asked my mom, was I as talkative as I am now when I
was a baby. My mom laughed, NO, you were
having specific language impairment when you were a baby.
