specific language impairment

my first child has specific language impairment.

As she was my first child, I didn’t have experience.  I didn’t know what to expect and I kept on asking why !  why !! why !!!

Although I wasn’t a linguistic person but I have been able to communicate in a special way.  I talk to people in a way others couldn’t connect.  I thought I was special.  But why does my very own daughter had to go through the exact opposite?  Is it because I am special so she has to pay for my gift ?  Was it me who abuse my power given by god that now god took away something from her?  I ask and ask and ask … there wasn’t any answer.

.

.

.

I couldn’t get up for a long long time.  Every time I looked at her, my tears drop.  Sometimes out from the eye lids, some other times tears just swallow back on.

.

.

.

One day, I don’t know why nor how, I asked myself a question.  If she were to be like this, having this disability forever in her life, will I love her any less?

Suddenly I see the white in my grey world.  The answer is so obvious, so clear, so doubtless that I will love her the same if not MORE because with her disability she will need more of my love.  And I will have nothing else buy to give more and more.  Even if I have already given all of me today, I could still give her more the next day.

.

.

Suddenly the world has changed, well at least my world has changed.  Every time I looked at her, I smile.  I know deep down inside, no matter what happen, I will love her the same.

.

.

I started hugging her to sleep every night.  I talked to her as if she is my friend.  I told her about my happen moments, I told her about my sadness.  I pointed at the pattern of the wall paper and said, “see? This is rose, this is a symbol of love.  See how our room is full of love?”

Sometimes I hug her so long that I fell asleep standing.  Then she woke me up, wanting more stories.  I am the worst when I sing but I sang twinkle twinkle little star to her every night, every single night.  She never complains.  My wife ran to another room watching drama, haha ~  I would too.

She demanded more and more till sometimes I broke down too.  I couldn’t be the nice dad anymore and sometimes I have to admit I may have scolded and shouted at her.  She was totally frighten and she got worse.  Every single time I have to gain back control on my own, felt regretted, totally disappointed with myself … apologized to her, and hug her in tears again.

Very soon, I learned there is really no point for broken down.  If my love to her is really as strong as what I thought it is.  I would have been able to minimize all the hardship we have to go through together.  And focus merely on what else can we do better next?

.

14 years later, now, she is a teenager.  She became the love expert among her friends despite she never date (officially).  She touches people life like how I did in the past.  She is no longer close to me as she used to before she went schooling.  But I have no regret, she is no longer like what I worried she might become.

Perhaps I was lucky.  Perhaps it was me who keeps talking to her although she couldn’t really understand a word I said when she was a baby, perhaps it was my anger shouting to her, perhaps it was me slept standing that night … that has changed her.  I will never know, and I don’t need to understand life.  Because even if she is not like what she is now, I will still love her the same.  So nothing else will matter – between my love and my daughter.

.

At first I thought I have saved her.  But very soon I realize, it was her who has SAVED me.  For I LOVE her, unconditional love, that nothing else will come between us.  It is her allowance me to love her back that has kept me alive till to date.

Dear daughter, I love you and wish you the best in your subsequent journey ~

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

One day I asked my mom, was I as talkative as I am now when I was a baby.  My mom laughed, NO, you were having specific language impairment when you were a baby.