Michael Tsen's Saga




Monday, June 21, 2010

stand tall, look down, grand view ...

I have this craze about looking down. Standing high above the ground, look down and everything seems to be smaller. The higher I go, the more things I can see beneath me.

That is one of the reasons why I had to climb that mountain. Once at peak, it really feel like the whole world is within view. I start to see things that I can't before.

Its hard to explain why. I just have this craze.

I stay in one of the busiest city which also hosts one of the tallest tower in the world. Supposingly wherever you are in town, you can look up to find this tallest tower and hence you should know where you are in reference. But in actual life, you can't. I look up and somethings is always blocking the view. If I elevate up 10 feets, I can see slightly more stuff. If I go up to 10th floor, usually I will be able to find this landmark tower ... and hence know where I am now.

I always find myself finding where I am. When I am at a new place, I will find out more about that place. When I am where I was, I always wonder if this is really what I thought it is. I started to move things around, work with people differently to answer those questions.

The only time I am at rest is when I stand high above the clouds, look down and I never wonder where I am. All is calmness.

One of my persisted dreams since childhood is that I don't die falling from high place. I dream of that so many times for so many years that even now in my daily life, I really have this false perception that I may not die if I fall from 10th floor. I even have this weird tendency to jump whenever I go higher and higher.

Yes doctor said its a mild degree of mental disorder, so mild that no medicine can cure or stop it. As a matter of fact, every human being has this form of characteristic. There is only one fine line to cross. Most people suppress the tendency to cross that line with their belief, culture and social practices. I, the doctor told, on the other hand always tempt fate by going back and for. There is really nothing much anyone can do about it including myself. Its just that one day, if I cross the line and can't come back, then I die.

That is a price to pay if you think you can break away from the believes, religions, cultures and social behaviors that human have been building in thousands of years.

Will this craze of mine kill me one day ? What will I really bring to this world ? On this ground right now, I really don't know yet. All I have now is my present and right now I am hoping to build something that I can stand in and look down. Perhaps then I can answer those questions.


Anonymous said...

I think it is psychologically showing off your desire rather than philosophically bringing in any meaning.

Typical man ego, perhaps?

Maico Jen said...

very well could be, yes~

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